Being genuine is simply one of the best books I have read all year. It very clearly and effectively conveys a process for communicating with others in a genuine and non-judgmental way. Thomas D’Ansembourg is a student of Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication Process, but rather than simply reaffirming Rosenberg’s principles, he enhances and adds a new dimension to nonviolent communication based on his experience as a psychotherapist and youth counselor. Anyone who learns and practices its four easy steps will quickly discover that your daily communication becomes clearer, less critical, and less confrontational because you are taking responsibility for your feelings and actions and creating a space to connect. I have never come across an easier way to show people how they can meet their needs without fear of conflict.
Originally published in France in 2001, the English translation has only recently been published in North America. Since D’Ansembourg cares deeply about the language he uses, the book is beautifully and elegantly written, a pleasure to read with an excellent translation. He wears multiple hats at appropriate times in the book. As a psychotherapist, he delves into the psychology of why and how we dissociate from ourselves. Being kind is a function of neglecting our needs, of not listening to ourselves in order to satisfy the needs of others. As a philosopher, D’Ansembourg examines broader theoretical issues of the individual in society and the meaning and value we place on language. As a coach, he is gentle and thoughtful but persistent as he guides us through our confusion and anxiety with practical, easy-to-follow steps and appropriate actions.
As someone who reads many self-help books (and contributed to the genre), I am happy to say that this book stands above the rest. The principles it describes are so basic and so crucial to good communication that all children should learn them at an early age. He points out that if a fraction of military budgets were devoted to teaching communication skills, there would be fewer conflicts and fewer crimes of aggression. So go our priorities. The basic problem is that more of us are taught to “be nice” instead of being genuine. The result is that we grow by caring for the needs of others and even when we know something is wrong, we lack the language and skills to be authentic ourselves. As a coach, I see this “serving” behavior far too often. Having a resource like Being Genuine makes my task of transforming clients easier.
I can best describe Being Genuine as a highly readable authentic communication manual, full of examples, theory, and genuine warmth. D’Ansembourg describes the four steps:
Observation: we are reacting to something that we observe, hear or say to ourselves.
Feeling: The previous observation generates one or more feelings in us.
Need: Feelings guide us toward our needs.
Request: Now aware of our needs, we can make a request or implement a specific action.
That’s. Nothing more and nothing less. The trick for the learner to be genuine is to break free of old beliefs and patterns, but this can be done with a little awareness and a little practice. D’Ansembourg believes that what passes for communication today is aggressive and violent. For example, when judgments and blame arise, it is like closing a door on the conversation. The recipient of this treatment generally responds defensively and often returns blame and aggression. Their method of communication is like opening a door and inviting your partner to come in and chat by the fire. But instead of waiting hand and foot for them, it’s about articulating your needs and feelings to help make sure the other sees you. If their needs are not the same as yours, then a compromise can be negotiated, but this is only possible when each party is aware of the other’s needs.
Although his respectful techniques may be too delicate for the office bully, the spirit of his teaching can easily be adapted and integrated into a clearer awareness of how humans communicate or, more likely, do not. I have integrated D’Ansembourg’s simple and effective techniques into my coaching with great success, especially for clients who have spent much of their lives being kind at their expense. I recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn to communicate authentically or to any professional in the business of working with clients who can take advantage of a boost in the area of communication, which in my experience is for everyone.