Loving an alcoholic is not about taking care of him, but about taking care of yourself. You have a responsibility to protect yourself from any negative and destructive behavior by the alcoholic. Setting limits for yourself is how to become healthy, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You may have to change some personal things and house hours a bit to fit your limits, but this is how you protect yourself from the insidious disease of alcoholism. All the limits I suggest are always to separate from the alcoholic in a loving way.
Stay away from the alcoholic when he or she is drinking. Sound difficult to do? Well, it is not if you have your own bedroom or another room, with a television, desk, telephone, cell phone, laptop, etc. Be prepared to leave whatever room the alcoholic is drinking in. When the alcoholic asks why you are leaving the room, let him know the truth; You have no power to control their behavior and you don’t want to be around them while they drink. It’s as simple as that. You are taking care of yourself!
Don’t argue, beg, or yell at the alcoholic, no matter how difficult it gets. This is what the alcoholic wants you to do. Arguing, fussing, and fighting will divert attention from them and their drinking to you. Do you see how that works? This is how the alcoholic brings you to illness with them. Every time you try to control the alcoholic through words or arguments, you actually lose the battle; they won! You maintain control by remaining silent. You are in control when the alcoholic wants you to argue with him, but instead walks away. This is taking care of you!
Do not give money, alcohol, or pay your bills to the alcoholic. By doing these things, it will only allow them to continue drinking and it will also allow them to be irresponsible with home. If they pay for part or all of a utility that will be shut down if not paid, then by all means pay, but keep all receipts so they can pay you back. Let them know that you are not assuming your financial responsibilities, but you certainly cannot live without heat and water.
Do not have sex with a drinking alcoholic. Don’t you have to have sex with a careless person who smells like alcohol, even if it is your spouse? By sexually giving in to the drinking alcoholic, you are allowing them to abuse you in a way that will cause a lot of animosity and resentment later in the future. Let them know that when they are sober they can come to you for sex. And don’t have sex with a cheating alcoholic. This is obvious. Want to catch the latest outbreak of venereal disease? Set your limits.
Remember that setting limits for yourself is not a threat or a way to control the alcoholic. Rather, your limits have nothing to do with them, and everything to do with you! The alcoholic may not like your new attitude and that is why he explains why he has set limits. Explain that you will not be around an arguing or abusive alcoholic, but that when they are sober, you would love to talk to them. Say, “I love you, but I don’t love illness.”
For those of you with children, it is your responsibility to talk to your children about the parent with alcohol addiction. They also need to separate from the drinking alcoholic for their spiritual and mental well-being. They desperately need to know that it is not their fault that their mom or dad drink. Let them know that the alcoholic still loves them, even if they get mad at them.
Seek God for your life in everything you do. You will need God’s help to have the strength, hope, and faith to meet your limits. The moment you stop trusting God is when you will be tempted to give in and allow the alcoholic to transgress your spirit. Don’t let that happen!
“Progress begins when we stop trying to control the uncontrollable, and when we move on to correct what we have the right to change, (ourselves)”
Quoted from the book AL-ANON.
The bottom line is that you establish a limit to define your area, to protect your space: physical, emotional, mental, sexual, spiritual, financial, etc. You set the limit because it is what you need to do for yourself. The great thing about this whole boundary thing is that you will help the alcoholic to look at himself for a change and really see that he has a drinking problem and needs to deal with it accordingly.