Criticism is a word that raises your eyebrows and infuriates you. Arguably, it doesn’t have a positive connotation for most of us. Therefore, it is never received in a healthy way either. So the concern is, when we as adults cannot handle criticism, what about children, who are subject to severe and regular criticism? Everyone who is someone in his life comments and takes the liberty of judging each and every one of his acts, unfortunately most of which are in a critical way.
So how to protect them or how to prepare them so that this unwarranted criticism does them more good than harm.
Criticism, or if you can call it feedback, is both constructive and destructive. Receiving feedback is a skill and, like most skills, it takes practice and a willingness to change and improve. Most children practice quite a bit. Ironically, adults should help them make that practice count by giving them feedback on how they handle criticism.
Feedback, both positive and negative, is challenging because it hits us in the vulnerable soft spot between our desire to grow and our deep need to be accepted and respected. The key to receiving positive feedback is adopting a “growth mindset.” People with a growth mindset believe that effort and challenge make us better, stronger and smarter, while those with a “fixed mindset” believe that our inherent assets are static no matter what we do.
But not all criticism children face is constructive. Some of this stems from ulterior motives or dark intentions, but the good news is that a growth mindset can also protect children from these kinds of comments.
A growth mindset is the best gift we can give our children. Thus armed, they can be brave in the face of constructive criticism, believing that it can make them better, stronger, and smarter. They won’t need us to safeguard their interests because, given a growth mindset, children can handle the truth on their own.
So what to do?
Feel free to criticize:
Many children have trouble hearing comments because they don’t experience them often enough. While it is natural to want to protect children from pain, when we protect them from criticism or focus excessively on praise, we push them into a fixed mindset.
Constant praise stop:
Gushing praise can foster a fixed mindset and consequently discourage children from taking on new challenges. Worse, it can deflate, rather than shore up, self-esteem in some children. Kids need to get used to hearing constructive feedback and it’s our job to teach them how.
Watch your body language:
Non-verbal communication is part of delivering feedback and can help children listen to feedback more effectively. Uncross your arms, get on the child’s level, smile and keep your face relaxed. If you are tense when you deliver criticism, they will be tense when they receive it.
Change your pronouns:
Instead of framing the feedback in terms of “I am so proud of you,” change the sentence and write the feedback in the pronoun “you”, as in “You should be proud of yourself” or “What was the best thing for you? did you feel? “or” What would you like to change? “
Empower for change:
Lower your control and empower children and help them adjust their efforts to use feedback effectively. Ask, “Is this how you expected this to turn out?” or “What would you do differently next time?” Help them see the way forward with comments like, “How do you think you could take this project from good to awesome?”
Set new goals after a big failure. Once they have recovered, help them choose some new goals based on what they have learned from the current situation. Their goals should be theirs, devised by them, based on their experience.
Criticism reaches everyone, eventually. It is inescapable and, more importantly, it is a necessary part of growth. Since we cannot protect children, the best we can do is make sure they are equipped with the emotional strength and strength of character they will need to move on, stronger, smarter, and braver for the experience.